I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.
Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.
Strangely, I never drank in high school. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.
I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.
When I look back, I remember one day I woke up in a frat house in Montreal, beside me there is this guy totally naked in bed'.. But I felt relieved because I could've been end up in hospital, got badly injured, or worst I could've been pregnant, but I didn't.
Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.
Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.
We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it
Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.
But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.
I was content at this high point in my life. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.
My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.
Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:
Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
Yelling on the phone
Shouting fits before my children
Punching my better half in the face
An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest
I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.